You are not alone.
I understand completely how you feel. I was anorexic at age 12-14 and then became bulimic and have lived with this ‘controlling’ disease for over 24 years. I, like you, am intelligent and energetic, once with a strong willpower but completely helpless to this disease. For years and years I have wanted to overcome it and have continued down the same shameful path. My family have been aware of my situation for years, and I continue to (try to) deceive them but I am sure they know what I am still doing. I feel so ashamed of myself and any meal I have with them I feel I have to be on my best behaviour and pretend I am ‘normal’. I often think about being granted three wishes and I would use all three on turning my life around as I can’t seem to do it myself. I also feel so lonely trying to deal with a constant and obsessive battle. I just wish it was as simple as turning off a switch to change things but I realise it is a very difficult journey, especially when I have !
been doing it for so long. I also suffer from depression which I think was triggered by my anorexia. Like you, I also believe there will be a turning point for me. It will be like winning lotto!
Kindest regards, M